I'm having one of those Monkey Mind mornings. Hate those. I could be sleeping in but I woke up for some unholy reason (probably to pee AGAIN) and now my mind is out of control. It's rarely a good thing when this happens because the thoughts which hold me captive tend to involve me solving all of life's black holes. Usually a futile activity, especially when the only other minds awake at this hour are those of the chickens.
The other disturbing element to monkey mind mornings (or nights, whichever) is the emotion which accompanies the pointless problem solving. At this point in my life, that emotion is frequently anger salted with depression. I find myself carrying on long one-sided dialogues with the people who have hurt me or judged me in ways that I feel are unfair. I want to convince them that I am good. That I bleed.
Obviously, this is an unproductive waste of mental energy.
When life isn't filled with so much trauma, these wakings can be positive. I have been known to drive to Walmart at unmentionable hours to buy project supplies. When I was pregnant with Kinsey I did just that, only to find I had not chosen a 24 hour store. I waited impatiently in my car for the sun to rise so that I could buy what I needed to reface an old dresser for the nursery.
I have to be careful when I get those odd-hour infusions of inspiration, however, because they are not always well thought out, or even sensical. I can write profound monologues in my head, which seem to flow with such clarity, only to review them later to discover I wasn't the prodigy I had imagined myself to be. It's humbling.
Regardless, here I am, spewing my morning genius all over you. (And I'm laughing to myself because I just had brain melt and couldn't spell genius - wanted to spell it genious.) So, possibly, I will read this later, after a nap and some medication, and be convicted to either delete this post or issue a long apology for it. I am willing to take that risk because I am finding this a much better use of my mind than hosting the anger which was in charge for the first hour or so.
Of course, I like to offer my readers some inspiration (other than my afore mentioned wisdom), so I have chosen to include some photos of spaces or art that make me feel good. Please enjoy...
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| Alkemie |
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| Borrowed from Bella Maison |
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| Little Crown Interiors |
Thank you for sharing in my morning madness.
I must go nap now.
i love you cherie...i've been gone way too long but really i feel like we are sisters in spirit...right there with you on so much in this post i don't even know where to start. let's just say i've had WAY too many too late/too early mornings figuring out (not) wayyy too much only to wake up with lack of resolution or much less brilliance and wavering between so many (usually negative) emotions and i can't imagine what pregnancy hormones are doing on top of all that...i love the inspirational photos and sound byte, too...looking forward to being a better follower!
ReplyDeleteno issuance of apology nor deletions necessary. Love these random 'in the moment' spewings.
ReplyDeletelook up on youtube byron katie - or, check out her website. Interesting how she solves some of those twisted black holes and thoughts of judgement.
"just keep swimming, just keep swimming, la la lalala la laa" - Dory of Finding Nemo