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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

34 Weeks, 2 Days... Going Scared

"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing." ~Anais Nin  (I stole this quote from my friend, Janet.)

How do I feel?
I feel scared.  

Not so much about the delivery; I've been down that road before, so I have an idea of what to expect.  It probably consumes about 5% of my fear.  I do worry about getting to the hospital in time.  I don't want to birth my baby on the side of the 680 (albeit a cool story if all ends well).

I have questions.

I wonder if my supporters will have time to be there with me, or if I will be alone.  Will Biscuit's daddy make it in time to welcome him into this life?  I know the desire is there.  Time and circumstances could be our enemy.  Will that be OK?

Will the postpartum depression kick in right away like it has in the past?  Can they inject me with estrogen and Zoloft to fight those demons off?  I have to fight them off.

Can I do this?  Again?  Will I love him well enough?  Give him the life he deserves?  Do my three know how deeply I love them?  Are we doing OK?  Will we?  We will.  I know we will.  

Where is the money coming from?  

I want to heal.  So much.  To heal. To love.  To press forward.  The loss is still so overwhelming.  Life still feels intensely foreign... and, is about to feel even more so.  

Sometimes I feel so alien.  Like no one in the world understands what I'm experiencing.  Where's the, "Older, pregnant, financially destitute, mid-divorce mommies" play group?  I don't fit.  Not a soccer mom.  Not a career woman.  Not feeling real successful in the marriage department.  I don't blend.  Most of the time I'm at peace with that.  I even appreciate some of my eccentricities.  But, when I want... need... belonging.  Support.  I feel a million miles out in the middle of nowhere.

I don't mean to wallow.  And, I know I'm not special.  I know everyone has pain that sets them a part for a time.  I do know this.  BUT, I wish some of my traumas were a little more run of the mill.  The kind books are written for.  It's just that several of the major events in my life, which have left me altered, just don't have support groups named after them.  And the sensational quality of some of my trials have left me wary of the motives of would-be supporters.  Is it the "scoop" they want, or do they care?  About me.  Who can I trust?

Will life get better?  Experience tells me that it will, eventually.  But, I'll always be aware of the fragility of it all.  I wish naivety could be restored.  I would so love to recapture the spunk and optimism of 17-year old Cherie. 

I'm here now.  37 years old.  A mother.  I'm looking for hope.  Light.  I am learning.  I am finding some of my own beauty.  Creating it.  I'm scared.  

Years ago I was scheduled to speak in front of a large group of people.  My nerves were eating me alive.  A good friend at the time said, "you don't have to feel calm, just go scared."

I am...
          going scared.


  1. You write SO beautifully and soulfully...it brings moisture to my eyes most of the time. Have you given any thought to writing-writing? As in novels, short-stories and the like? You'd have so much to bring to everyone that reads your words. They're truly inspiring. I'm very sorry to here of things on the home-front going "not as planned". But I'm so thrilled for your coming bundle of joy. (You look terrific, by the way, and, I'm not sorry to say this, but you've made me a bit jealous of how great you look at 34+ weeks into it.) I know how feeling alone feels: it's exhausting and heavy. Even if it's on a virtual-level, you aren't alone-alone. You bring all of humanity together by highlighting the fact that we're all going through emotions like this at some point of our existence, some of the time. You're an awesome woman and I'm glad to know you.

  2. while trying to formulate my own words (they so often pale to what i've just read when i'm on your site!) i had to agree with kazoogal269 on your writing and connecting skills...you help so many others feel understood and a part of your world, that you are a part of theirs, inside their heads and hearts and willing to cry and be vulnerable while holding their hands...i adore you cherie and want so much for you to have all you hope for and experience joy and "spunk and optimism" (i still see you this way even if you aren't always feeling it, by the way!)...this pregnant shot of you, though scared, is so beautiful. i hope you can see that now but if not you will someday. my husband (a lawyer) always preps his jurors with something about how he is nervous and he doesn't want that to come across as if he is not prepared or in a way that might hurt his client...i think it does the opposite, it shows how REAL you are and makes you more human. i'm always right here with you in spirit though i wish i could be there in person. you are definitely not alone and your children (those outside and biscuit inside) are so blessed to have you with your depth of love, experiences and perspective. thank you for all that you give and here's hoping you get many many more blessings in return.

  3. When I was 37 my 17 year marriage was ending, my children were 4, 6, 8, 11, 13 and 15 years old, and I was terrified. Now I am 59 and my children are happy, healthy and productive, I am financially okay if not comfortable, and life seems incredibly sweet and happy.

    Hang on to what is right and good. Put your children and yourself first; life has ways of bringing all things around!

  4. ...Cherie, I'm scared too.

    And on top of that, sometimes I really don't enjoy life and wish it would end. Maybe I should say I 'often' feel that way. This may be driven by the fact I fell I have no control over the destiny of my country, my job, and my life.

    And I'm angry. Something I may have been born with, but exasperated by ignorance that is so abundant all around me, including bosses and political leaders.

    Don't know if that helps...probably not, I'm just letting you now you aren't alone.

    I can say that the only thing that really gives me job are my boys and my baby. If money weren't an issue...I'd have plenty more.

    If you are facing single motherhood with 4 kids...I sure hope daddy is throwing some big bucks at you!

    Go scared! That's how I surf... I've been out there shaking in my shorts, literally.

    ...but what is life if you don't spend it?????

    I think you are spending your chips...and I like what I see.

    So yes, go scared. That's fine. That's life.

    But know that you aren't alone.

  5. ...sorry for the typos above.


    "...may be driven by the fact I FEEL I have no control..."

    "I can say that the only thing that really gives me JOY are my boys and my baby."

  6. Thank you for your encouragement. It really does my soul good to feel connected.


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