Ok, so if there is another force at play in the selection of my babies' genders, other than 'this sperm swam with more determination than that one', why would I be chosen to mother three boys?
Men are foreign and scary to me. A few have betrayed me in BIG, devastating ways. This is just a statement of fact. I don't think these men evil. I try not to dwell (well, sometimes I dwell). I know we are all flawed and those flaws lead us to wound those closest to us. **Damn. That is the hardest truth to swallow as a mother.** Anyway, to date, I have yet to experience a traditionally successful relationship with a man. They remain a mystery to me. It is a noticeable handicap of mine. Despite being born a profound optimist, I have managed to develop a magnificent forcefield around my heart.
I wanted the dream like most everyone else. I pursued it intensely. I've seen others find their spouses and have their babies in the accepted order and with the proper outcome. My own grandparents were married 50 and 70 years. Not all happy years but the good outweighed the bad.
I have believed in marriage. Have even been a major advocate for the right to marry. I have to admit though, my belief wavers now. I mean, I support marriage if people so choose. It is a beautiful and romantic notion. I'm just not sure it's always a positive or constructive institution. The 50% success/failure rate is a bit discouraging and, so far, I'm two for two in the darker half. It hurts to embrace something so completely and face disillusionment. It hurts to lose the faith.
My therapist says these are normal thoughts for someone with my experiences. He says there's a good chance I'll change my opinion and feel safety in love again... some day. I don't know. I hope so. I still love the idea of building a life in union with another. I don't know if marriage is the key to that or not. I have so many clouded questions about human nature, love, men, and accepted social norms. In fact, if you have insight to share on the topic of marriage, please do.
So, three boys in my care. Such a huge responsibility for someone so ill equipped in the category of love and men. And yet, if ever I've fallen in true, uninhibited, lay myself down on the tracks, LOVE; it has been when my babies were placed in my arms. I so want to do them justice. I want them to feel loved and to love well. I want them to successfully bond with another and build beautiful lives.
Can this be one of those "do as I say, not as I do" things?
|Ahh, but I love them so...|