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Friday, September 3, 2010

Pregnant Ramblings

I've been in project mode lately.  It's my attempt to fight off the panic of being unprepared for the Biscuit to arrive.  Every project I complete gives me a small sense of peace, until my brain starts listing all of the, as yet un-done, details.  This is what happens when OCD meets Third Trimester.  Suddenly, the lack of Desitin seems dire.

Add to the above, Pregnant Brain.  This is the state of dementia which sets in with the implantation of the egg and persists until... well, I'll let you know.  Forgetfulness is a big symptom, as is word loss.  Word loss really sucks when trying to execute a witty comeback only to deliver some version of awkward.  I find myself wanting to explain that I really am intelligent... Really!

Throw in a few thousand hormones, a divorce, three adolescents and an economic crisis, and we have a big soup of WTF!?!

When attempting my projects, I frequently have to institute a plan 'B' (C,D,E..) because 'A' didn't quite work out.  Admittedly, I'm not real big on patterns or manuals.  I drift when reading them, wanting to skip to the end, past all the slow, redundant explanations.  Hence my "trial by error" ways.  I learn by doing... and then doing again.  Mom says she could never teach me anything as a child.  My first sentence was, "do it MYSELF!"  

Obviously, there are pitfalls to this tendency.  It can set a project back, or change its course entirely.  It can be exhausting and frustrating.  But, I do learn.  I solve.  I innovate.  

Finding plans B or C in the project of my life is much more intimidating.  My attempts to solve and innovate become very clouded by the above-mentioned dementia soup, as well as by the noise.  

I sometimes find it difficult to distinguish my own voice from those of my contributors/critics.  My need for approval and acceptance can smother my clarity.  Please understand, I need and seek the input of others.  It is vital and appreciated. But, I have found this to be true: Pushing through that noise to find confidence in my own conclusions and actions, is ultimately where I find the most peace.
Reflecting on Lake Tahoe


  1. i love your pregnant ramblings...i'm so there with you without being preggos myself...wish we could obsess and plan and throw criticism out the window and go with plans x, y and z together...

  2. I read your projects and I'm exhausted. I am so disorganized and flakey that I couldn't possibly even begin to try to throw something together and have it resemble what it was suppose to be. :(
    I (try, try, try. Sometimes...) to keep things clean (enough) so I don't make myself crazy. I just throw my hands up in the air and say, "FORGET IT!!!!!" Then watch TV. :/
    You should be so proud of how much you're doing with all that you have. I'm not at all OCD. I wish I was. Maybe then I'd have the motivation to do "more" instead of trying to find ways to do "less".


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